I don't know what the freaking hell is wrong with me. You see, my itchy fingers just had the urge to find out something and when I did, and read everything, I don't like what I'm reading. Why? Cause it made me question myself, if I had done enough and I feel useless after that. Yes, it's the past, and I don't know for what fucking reason I had to worry about. He said "What's past is past". Yes, I do agree with the statement. But somehow, part of me still worry and kept on worrying and questioning, "What IF the past comes back?" And for this reason, I don't have a solid trust on him. It's not his fault. It's mine. We've talked about this countless times and he kept giving me the same answer, "Don't worry so much la. What's past is past. Nothing will happen." But why do I feel unsatisfied with the answer? Maybe I've heard too many answers but no actions? I don't know. Maybe that's the reason. Maybe not.

And throughout the day yesterday, things that she wrote to you kept replaying in my mind. Everything. Yes, it's dated last year, before I get to know you. I know I shouldn't feel angry or jealous cause it's fucking before I knew you. I just couldn't help it. It's stupid of me to even have those anger and jealousy. And finally, it just dawned upon me that she WAS your girlfriend, whereas I'm just someone whom you're dating currently. Not yet your girlfriend. Or maybe, won't ever be. I don't know. I'm scared to think about it. So, I shouldn't mind those comments right? Cause it's in the past. Fine, I'll try to remember that those comments were dated early of last year, and IT'S THE FUCKING PAST. Even if we won't be an item in the future, I'm grateful that I got to know someone like you. Really. You make me smile with your antics everytime. I'm thanking you for those wonderful memories.

You kept reassuring that nothing will happen and what's past is past. But why the fuck am I worrying so much? You know, sometimes, I just don't understand myself. It's coming close to a year now, yet I'm still doubting you. I don't know how long it's gonna take for me to completely trust you without having to worry about a thing at all. It's not that I don't want to trust you. I DO, in fact, I really want to trust you cause it tires me and my brain out, thinking if you're really telling the truth.

Do you really mean what you said, or you just said it just to make me happy? I'm afraid to ask. Afraid that I might hurt your feelings. Afraid that you might be disappointed with me.

You know, whenever my friends told me about their relationship problems, I tried to find ways to help them. But in my own realtionship, I failed to do so. I'm such a fucking loser.

I'm tired of everything. I'm tired of having to put a strong and calm face everytime I meet him. I'm tired of reassuring myself that everything's gonna be fine. I'm tired of having to answer all these questions myself. I'm tired of having to worry so much. IM TIRED OF EVERYTHING.

At the rate that I'm going, I might just get into depression anytime. Really. Cause right now, I get upset over the slightest thing. I can just cry over the smallest matter. Everything seems sensitive to me. I lost myself along the way. I wasn't like this before. Never like this. I don't know how the fuck I became like this.

Whenever I had problems, I kept to myself. It's very rare for me to share problems with people. It's not that I don't want to. It's just that I just don't want to trouble them with my problems when they themselves had their own lives to lead. Yes, I have this mindset since young. And so, when anything's troubling me, I bottled it up inside me. And over the years, I've built a wall with my emotions kept inside. I don't know how long this wall can persevere before it finally came crumbling down. Sometimes, I cry silently at night, not knowing the reason why. Yes, at that point of time, I just feel like crying. And this will go on for hours before I'll finally get to sleep.

You know, over the months, I've been cracking my brain to come up with ideas that will make you smile and make you happy. And once I'm set on something, I'll do whatever it takes to make it happen. I sacrifised alot of my time for you, just to make your day. And on this 9th October, I've already planned out what I'm going to do.

I want to go out and enjoy life. I want to feel like I'm eighteen. I want to be stress-free. I don't want to burden myself with all this questions. My mind is a mess. I envy those people who can go out and enjoy life.

IM FUCKING LOST.
♥ 5:30 PM